Sex in a long term relationship or marriage can sometimes become predictable and tedious.
Other times, getting kinkier is just a natural part of a how a long term relationship matures – to explore new things dabble and in the kinky world.
Another phenomenon that happens is that some people may not divulge their kinks early on in their relationship. Eventually, they want to explore the kinkier life with their partner, but sometimes they are nervous to let their partner know about this interest in kink.
It’s no surprise that since we don’t talk about kinky sex within our relationships, there are a lot of misconceptions floating around.
The image of a leather-clad dominatrix wielding clothes pins or a paddle might jump to mind when you think of kinky sex. But really, all you need is your imagination, an open mind, and a willing lover.
You are likely are asking yourself “Where do we start? What is the first step in becoming kinky?”
There can be a wide spectrum of what people think is kink. What seems kinky to you may be par for the course for the next person. There is no right way or wrong way to have kinky sex. It can be completely unique in every single relationship. It can run the gamut from vibrators to BDSM, dirty talk to role playing, deep-throating, pegging, sex furniture, sex swings, blindfolds, and BDSM play — and many options in between.
If you or your lover enjoy certain fetishes or want to explore the world more thoroughly, there are definitely stores for that. But trying kink isn’t nearly as equipment-heavy as people assume. You don’t even need blindfolds or handcuffs if you want to get playful with sensory deprivation or restraints — a tie or pillowcase can work in both cases. And, not all kinky people have a fetish. A fetish is more like a fixation or compulsion for a specific item or sex act. Kinky sex is something more unconventional and the opposite of “vanilla sex.”
Consent: Everything starts with consent – this is especially true while kinking up your love life. Enthusiastic consent is something that should happen before any sex act, especially if you’re trying out something kinky for the first time. Communication is so important to healthy sexual relationships, and vital when you’re exploring dominant/submissive roles or potentially causing pain. (But, keep in mind that not all couples incorporate pain into their kinky sex lives.)
Surprise: What I have found is that in a long term relationship, it is very difficult to surprise and delight my partner. After a few years, you know what each other likes and how to “push” the right buttons for your partner, which means things in the bedroom get a little tedious. You tend to initiate things in the pattern that you two developed over time. We all have our patterns and we tend to like predictability in the bedroom because it feels comfortable. Negotiating kinky “scenes” or setting up a kinky sex date can create anticipation, surprise, and delight that sometimes goes out the door in long term relationships.
Communicate: The other thing I found out is that lovers who are kinkier have to have really great communication skills. Most hot sex comes when lovers communicate about their needs and desires. I know I say this a lot, but communication is lubrication. I say it so often because it is true.
This is VERY true in kinky relationships because they require constant negotiation. And, in some cases, there are even contracts and written documentation. Personally, I have never done any kind of written contract, but we always create a verbal contract. My partner and I talk about what we want to try and we ESPECIALLY communicate our limits. My lover is always clear about my HARD limits. (You may be familiar with the contract concept from the book and movie, “50 Shades of Grey.” That book and movie has a bad reputation for the lack of consent featured. We do not recommend coercion and always want you to be safe and sane.)
Fluidity: The really cool thing about kinky communication is that you both go into kink knowing that things are fluid and can change as we spend more time together. In the very beginning, you may make a guideline where you say “no restraints.” However, after a few months you may decide you want to let go of the control and allow your love to tie you up. (Add a blindfold to that scene, too, to really get into the moment.) Keep it fluid and touch base often to see if things have expanded or changed in any way.
What are the steps to becoming kinkier?
The steps you take in your relationship to create a kinky sex life will come from your conversations with each other about what kinds of kinky things you each want to try. I am going to give you some ideas of techniques you two can try together.
- Bondage on a budget? Look around your house for scarves, long men’s ties, sashes from your robe, old pantyhose and old knee highs to use as restraints. They are soft and we never want to cut off your lovers circulation or put anything on their body that might chafe. (Pay attention to our partners’ reaction and body language.)
- Sensation Play: Look around your house for soft brushes like makeup brushes, clean dusters, paint brushes, soft basting brushes to add some texture. Stroke these various items over your lovers sensitive parts – neck, lips, testicles, labia, behind their knee, ankles, lower tummy, lower back, ears, scalp… test them on every inch of their body and see what kind of reaction you get.
- Nipple Play: We are all born with nipples. They are an equal opportunity erogenous zone. And, once you or your lover are restrained, you may find that your nipples become way more sensitive than usual. Something about not being able to control what happens to your nipples makes it so much more pleasurable. Experiment with some sucking or pinching your lovers nipples while fingering your female partner or while tickling your male lovers testicles while sucking on his nipple. Two types of stimulation at one time can be exciting, confusing, and intriguing. It’s a great way to see how your lover responds and twists around. Pay attention to their body language.
- Impact Play is one of the most popular kinks. Almost everyone is familiar with the concept of being spanked during sex or as foreplay. That might make this particular kind of kinky fun more approachable.
Warming up the skin is very important with impact play like spanking or paddling. Some people also enjoy flogging. Lots of fun items from your kitchen and bathroom like silicone spatulas and hair brushes can become fun paddling implements.
- Denial: Getting your partner close to orgasm but not letting them have their orgasm is a fun new way to play. Get them very close and stop what you are doing. Have them beg you for the release. Tease it out and time how long you make them wait. Each time you try denial play you can see if you can have them hold out for a few minutes longer each time. Make a game or a competition out of it.
- Power Play: Exchanging Power can be very exciting for couples who have been vanilla for years. Negotiate evenings where you can each take turn having the control of the “scene” or the play for that night. Both try out the role of being in control and creating the evening’s fun. Even if one of you are more comfortable in one role, make sure you push each other out of your comfort zone and swap the power. You can put a time limit on it so if one of you is VERY uncomfortable, you know that it will only last 15 minutes or whatever you negotiate.
- Dirty Talk: This can sometimes be difficult for couples if this is not already in your typical sex play date. What I hear from men is that it can be difficult to call their wives or the mother of their children something that is not considered respectful. One way to make the dirty talk easier is to take on a persona or an alter-ego when playing in a kinky style. Let your lover know when you feel like taking on that persona so they know exactly when you both can incorporate the dirty talk. Importantly, negotiate that what happens during a kinky play date stays there.
Experiment with using words for body parts you would not typically use. If you normally call his penis a dick, start calling it his cock. If you are female and normally refer to your vagina as your kitty, try using the word pussy instead.
If you a very shy about dirty talk, start by just saying what you see. “Look at how beautiful your fat, throbbing cock looks covered in lube.” Really notice his cock. Say exactly what you see and let him know what you think about it. He can try the same thing. “I love seeing the lips of your pussy puffy and excited like this.” It can start simple and as you both get more comfortable, you can expand your sex vocabulary.
- Role Playing: Get creative and do not get hung up on the costumes to go with the role. You can role play with no costumes. For example, you can show up for your sex date and let your lover know that you are the FedEx guy and there with a package of sex toys for her. Or he can show up for your kinky sex date as the male escort you hired for a sensual massage.
Everyone is familiar with “playing doctor” or dressing up as a cop. Lots of TV shows and movies feature the “meeting a stranger in a hotel bar” role play idea. Here are some other ideas for you two:
Professor and Student
Porn Star (This one I like to always play in my head. Sometimes I share with my lover.)
Pizza Delivery / DoorDash Delivery
Famous Couple from a Movie
In-call Massage Therapist
Boss and Employee
Like you are married to someone else
Human Sex Doll
Photographer and Model
Nervous First Date
Yoga Instructor or Personal Trainer/ Client
Nerdy couples can try some characters from Star Wars or Game of Thrones
We hope these ideas inspire you and your lover. We want you to have the sex life you have always dreamed of!
We Have Tried Everything. Our Sex Life Still Sucks. HELP!
If the two of you have tried everything and you just cannot seem to get anywhere with improving our sex life, then you might want to consider coming to Northern California to the Santa Cruz area where we can do some sex coaching together.
Jaeleen coaches couples in her space near the Pacific Ocean. From Jaeleen: “My coaching helps couples to hack a new kinkier sex life for themselves. I educate couples of all sizes, ages, and genders on many kinds of sensual and kinky techniques and practices. You can read all about my coaching, my rates, customer testimonials, and 13 Sexy Techniques to Kink Up Your Sex Life here.
My coaching is a very personal decision by you both. To make sure we are all on the same page, begin with an email to me and we can discuss if we are good fit for one another. It’s an investment I do not take lightly, so having a discussion first is a great way to make sure that we are a good match. Feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to start off this conversation. Be sure to read our blog “Can Kinky Sex Save My Sex Life” or “7 Tips For Giving Your Lover The Hottest Massage Ever” and get to know more about my in-person kinky coaching and more about me.”